Go To Fucking College First

I feel like maybe there are some young readers out there, if the new generation even reads at all, that could benefit from some words of an experienced young-older person. I’m currently a 26 year old woman with 3 children, a husband (so 4 children) and a dog (so 5 children). I also attend classes at a local college for a degree that I had to settle for. Why? Well by all means please allow me to tell you why so maybe, JUST MAYBE, you won’t make the same mistakes I did.

I take the maximum coarse load allowed me by the college, which is kind of too much because my domestic life is extremely demanding but I’m really trying to get somewhere with my degree so I can go to work and start making that paper ’cause let’s face it; Nutella and Uncrustables don’t buy themselves. That being said, since the coarse load is probably more than I should have, I don’t make the grades I could be making if I had more time to devote to the work. My entire life, minute by minute, is a time-crunch that consists of me trying as hard as I can, not doing as well as I know I should, and then having a nervous breakdown or two.

Now that I’ve smashed together plenty of run-on sentences and comma splices let me tell you why I had to settle. I had to settle for a mediocre, halfass, bachelor’s degree in Teaching English Lit because I have to be home sometimes to tend to children. Apparently there’s this weird thing where kids want to be around their parents sometimes… Not sure what’s up with that but it’s like a “thing” with them so…. I couldn’t pursue my passion, Geology, because it would require me to be gone for long periods of time and research and driving and bla bla bla suck a cock I can’t do it because I had kids first. So here I am. Looking at teaching classrooms full of teenagers who don’t give two shits about writing properly for the rest of my life. Do you know how much ass-holery could have been avoided had I just kept my hoe-bag legs closed and went on to college? So much.

Girls, if you’re in high school or junior high and you’re stressing over a boyfriend, let that fool go. Trust me, he has sacks of parasitic demon seed hanging around a shaft which controls his body and mind. His only desire is to bury his probe into your body with a high likelihood of injecting the little soul-sucking parasites right into you. And just like that, boom. Nothing will ever go your way again. Ever. Nothing. Ever. Anything that could even be remotely easy and second nature after that will become long and complicated and your hopes and dreams will gasp for air and die right in front of you. You can’t have or love anything else but them once they’ve attached themselves to your body and began to feed off you.

You will turn into Squidword from Spongebob Squarepants and you will die inside a little every day when you see all the things you could have done with your life but instead you are wiping up a questionable substance for the 7th time off your bed so you can go to sleep for 3 hours.

I used to love college. I used to love going and thinking of all the many possibilities that were open to me for a lifetime of adventure and learning. Now I’m just going to school so I can go work a job I hate for the flexible hours and a decent wage so I can give it all to the little parasites that I thought would be so fun to have. (I love them, don’t get me wrong, but boy was I stupid.)

Live your life. Live it. Until you don’t know what to do with it anymore and you’re bored with your easy and stable life that you can afford without drama and pain. THEN have children. Go to fucking college first.

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