I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t tell anyone how I feel about anything. I am the dumpster. Who does the dumpster go to to dump? No one reads my blogs so it’s pretty safe to say this is a great place to do my dumping. I could just keep it in my computer but maybe someone will see these. Maybe somebody with the same thoughts, the same questions, the same cries of exasperation will come across it someday and feel less solitary.
I do a lot of reflecting and thinking about things that have zero relevance in my life and today the thoughts got so big I had to allow some spillage. Life is so complex and yet simple simultaneously. It’s micro and macro. It’s everything and nothing. Each time I grasp how unfathomably large existence is my mind explodes and just as quickly shrinks back into implosion with the irrelevancy of it all. Such a VAST universe we live in! Probably a tiny bubble of exception in a massive ocean surrounding. It’s as if my realization of what existence really is breathes. My mind inhales at the astonishing vastness of it and exhales at the brilliance of how minuscule it really is.
I wish I could know it all. I wish I could see it all, explore it all, experience it all. I long so deeply even with mourning at the lack of opportunity to see the world. I feel if I were to be educated one level of advancement at a time I could grasp as much as any physicist or scientist or philosopher. Opportunity is the key in this situation. I wasn’t born into these opportunities and I wasted my chances to earn them. I am sorrowful every time I think of this. Much like the games I play I wish to explore every nook and cranny of the world, see the universe, know its secrets.
One day I will die and this wasted life will be forgotten. No one will remember me, that I existed or what I had done which was nothing. I made no impact on society. I changed no lives. But my soul, hopefully will be granted infinite wisdom. I will then see it. What a sweet revelation that will be. I don’t wish to die. I wish to experience happiness and peace here. But I don’t feel that will ever be a possibility. I don’t think it exists in this world. Even in Jesus. There is so much hate and violence everywhere that I can’t ever find solace.
I guess that will conclude my rambling for the evening. Until next time.