Each day I dread to rise from my bed.
I know what’s waiting outside my own head.
I lay in the quiet and try to prepare
Thinking of all that the day will entail.
The cool of the fan and whir of it’s blades,
The dark of the room and air on my face
Smooth and softness envelope my skin.
The comfort of my space where I love to live.
But I know what’s coming, I can’t stay all day.
I have things to do which can no longer wait.
I dress my body preparing for battle,
My senses and thoughts soon to be rattled.
My hand on the knob of my door, inhale.
Open it wide and before I can exhale
The bursting forth of the light is a shock!
It’s the first of assaults that I learned how to block.
The rest of the world lives in invasive light
So I must live too during times much too bright.
Along with the light and the grit of the ground
Come the screeching, screaming, blabbering sounds.
Like howling or a buzzer from an alarm.
All I can wish is for the night when I can disarm.
Then come the questions, incessant talk.
Constant and scraping too abrasive to block.
The hands reaching out to touch my bare skin,
Burning I fight my own senses to keep it in.
They need love from their mother I refuse to deny
Sacrificing my sanity to set self esteems high.
The groping and fighting, yelling and heat,
Brightness and chaos, pounding of feet!
I long for the night when I make my retreat.
When I can clean up the filth and re-establish the neat.
Each day is so tiresome even without chores.
I could live in silence without getting bored.
But the noise and sensations make me withdraw
And then they follow, pressing until I’m raw.
I just want to scream. I want to break down.
But I can’t, I made my choices and they all need me now.